London Diaries｜Experiencing the second breakup in our relationship
Define the absence of past memories
As I was checking emails this morning, I realised that I had accidentally deleted all of the Line messages from the previous day.
After what happened, and even now, I still can’t believe it, I was and am, completely taken aback. As a person who lives with memories, this is a tremendous hurt.
I’m like going through a second breakup, and this time, there’s nothing for me to cling to.
I remember that day, I was happily having fun with the pumpkin patch. Out of the blue, I received a long message that started with ‘Hey Lucy...’ I gasped in surprise; he never calls me Lucy. My world began to speed up, and I had to squat to catch my breath.
I’d rather read the academic paper than try to make sense of his message. I read it over and over; I still don’t fully understand his reasoning, but I do understand his end goal.
I was scared by his distance, his coldness, and his decision to end the relationship without giving me a chance to talk or work on it. I was informed—he has done what he should do; then, here comes my part— starting my healing journey.
It’s been almost two months since I received his heartbreaking messages. I never read them again, but I didn’t delete them either.
Simply place them there. Storing them physically in my phone; burying them deeply in my memory, and praying that I’ll be able to read them again when I’m feeling stronger so that I can put myself in his shoes and see things from his point of view.
But now that all the messages have vanished, I won’t be able to read them again when the time comes, the time that I grow stronger and feel better. I feel like I’m going through the breakup all over again, but this time with myself, in ‘our’ relationship. It still hurts, the emotion is still there, but I don’t know how to soothe myself down with the same pain but without the memory.
Dear Lord,
Dear heavenly Father, I came before You. My wound seemed to be healing and getting better, but now it has been torn again. I have done what You asked me to do, I stay, but I need more to hold on to this relationship, I need more from You. I can’t go on this journey alone. God, please talk to me, calm my mind with Your Spirit, guide me through this darkest valley, and let me know You are with me every step of the way. I need Your presence in his absence, especially now.
In Your name, I pray, Amen.
