London Diaries｜God, I need help!

processing unlabeled pain in daily life

This morning, I had another depression hit.

After finishing my daily routine with God in the morning, I felt a deep insecurity spreading all over my body. ‘No, please, not right now…’ I was running late for uni. ‘This is really not a good time, damn it!’ I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down, but it just didn’t work. While I was doing my makeup, tears just kept falling from my eyes and ruining my eyeliner. I looked into the minor, barely recognising the person in front of me.

At the same time, my mom and dad were texting me in the group chat called ‘prayers for you’, a secret group without my two brothers. My dad chose a selfie of the three of us as our profile picture; I look terrible in that photo, but I appreciate how they treat me differently and specially.

‘Do you have enough money?’ they asked. This is how Asian parents express their love and care for you. Watching this message, I broke down completely. I don’t deserve their large sum of money. I wasted it completely and got nothing in return but extreme pain... I’m so behind in the courses and struggling with all kinds of emotions every day. What’s the point of being here? I don’t know what happened to the ambitious person I used to be. The person who could work and live alone in a foreign country for the past few years, the one who is independent and strong, is nowhere to be found.

I curled my body with tears, covering my mouth to hide my whimper. ‘I need help! I can’t do this anymore!’, ‘Mom, I need help…’ hearing my voice screaming, instead, I typed slowly, ‘Yeah, I’ve got enough money, don’t worry!’

I know, my mom will just be ‘mom’. Given that we are thousands of miles apart, telling her would only cause her to worry and do nothing good for her.

Dear heavenly Father, I come before you and ask for your presence to do what only you can do. Something is wrong with me. I’m not the compassionate person I used to be. I can’t control my emotions and feel empty and numb completely. Some unlabeled feelings are gradually taking over my life.

God, I pray, I plead, and I beg that you take me out of this falling darkness and bring perfect peace to my heart. I give you my hurt from my heart, God, please take this indescribable pain away. Please just take it away, God, I beg you; I can’t take it anymore. I have to keep reminding myself that I’m not here to do what I want; I’m here to do Your will. So, dear Lord, please guide me, bring joy and peace to my heart, and talk to me whenever I need it badly.

In the name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.