London Diaries｜Keep moving with God’s promise
‘Just because you say “no” now doesn’t mean you have to say “no” forever.’ God replied.
The word that God gave me for 2023 is ‘obey’.
I wasn’t sure about it in the first place. ‘Perhaps it’s “surrender” same as the word that God gave to my mother church in Taiwan?’, ‘Maybe it’s noun “obedience”?' After several confirmations, the word ‘obey’ kept popping up in my daylily life.
Compared to ‘surrender’ or ‘obedience,’ ‘obey’ seems harsher to me. With a bitter grin, ‘I guess I’ll have a very difficult year…’
Actually, 2023 hasn’t even begun; God has already placed numerous obstacles at the end of 2022, which appears to be a forewarning.
▍Where is my home?
Before I came to London, Mom asked me to pack all of my personal belongings in boxes and place them in the storehouse. ‘Since you won’t be in Taiwan for a while, I plan to turn your room into a prayer room,’ she said.
Despite how reasonable it sounded, there was something that didn’t make any sense at all.
In Asain culture, a married daughter is compared to ‘poured-out water’. In other words, once a daughter marries, she is no longer considered a member of her parents’ family.
‘Where should I live if I returned one day?’ I asked, terrified. ‘Don’t worry, mats can be placed in the prayer room,’ mom responded. ‘But, Mom, I haven’t married! I’m not like my brother, he has a family and a house!’ I tried to comprehend her reasoning. ‘You’ll have your own family and live at your husband’s house one day, just like your sister-in-law,’ she replied lightly.
‘So, where should I go before I finally find a man and get married? Where do I call home? When can I have my own family?’ I wondered in my mind, afraid to say anything.
Something similar happened more than once.
On the day I relocated from Shanghai to Taiwan, I discovered that my room had turned into my brother’s, my cabinet was in the living room, and my belongings were dispersed throughout the apartment.
All of a sudden, I was at home, but it didn’t feel like ‘home’.
Surprisingly, I found myself missing my flat in Shanghai, where I could walk around naked, play music loudly, and have complete privacy.
So, what is ‘home’? Where is my ‘home’? This question has followed me for years, ever since I lived abroad.
▍The disillusioned home
Recall the time when I got the message that he sent to end our relationship, I was desperate to return to Taiwan.
After nearly five years of being single, I finally met someone who I believe could be my future life partner; I finally reached my career peak in my early twenties; I finally stood at the point where I want to start a family. But see what I got?
‘I’m tired of moving around, being unsettled; why is it so hard to have my own family, God! I don’t want a master’s degree! All I want is a family! I want to go back to Taiwan, RIGHT NOW!’ I cried out to God, heartbroken.
At that moment, a sentence in my prayer note popped up. I heard a voice clearly, ‘You may say “no” to a good thing and say “yes” to a task you don’t want to do right now, but just because you say “no” now doesn’t mean you have to say no forever,”
‘It’s not a “no” forever.’
After hearing this phrase repeated three times loudly in my head, the second time I followed the voice and repeated it with my own voice mixed with tears and screams.
Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for guiding me to the UK and thank you for letting me experience all of life’s ups and downs throughout 2022. You know my heart better than anyone else, so You definitely know how eager I am to have my own family to call home. I also know you won’t give me the challenge that I couldn’t handle, but sometimes I just hope You didn’t trust me that much than I trust myself.
Lord, I said ‘yes’ to the task You asked me to do while saying ‘no’ to a man that I love dearly, a future home I’ve dreamed of for years. God, please give me faith to believe that having my own family is not a ‘no’ forever, please walk with me till I finally reach the point of having my dream home; in Your time, rather than mine. Before that, could you please be gentle with me? Although 2023 hasn’t started yet, the word ‘obey’ has already frightened me in real life.
God, 2023 will be a difficult year, but I’ll keep Your words in mind and obey Your calling. Please continue to guide me, and use the way that I know to truly understand Your words as You speak. I’m not sure what kind of challenge awaits me, but I know Your promise, and that’s all that matters.
In your name, I pray, Amen.
